Meet The Uchihas
by T a C o C a T
Summary: One ticket to the Uchiha Complex: Complete with scarring for life and an increased vocabulary. Because they had a different way of showing they loved each other. ONeSHot SAsuSAku CRackish


**O h**

**Y **o u n g **L **o v e

The mother had never really imagined that there would ever be much cause for being so excited about her daughter's school project. And yet here she was, trying to make herself as involved in it as possible — she even went so far as to button up her daughter's jacket for her and wrap the snacks she had spent all morning preparing in her best satin cloth, and handed it over to her offspring hesitantly, making sure it would not be dropped by her young, unsure fingers. "Make sure you share those with Sayoko-chan, alright?" She instructed, making sure that she had caught her daughters eye and holding her gaze until she nodded in agreement.

She hadn't felt this flustered since she was a school girl. (Oh, sending her daughter to the academy sure brought back memories!) She might have felt foolish for being so eager if she did not justify it to herself with the excuse that the Uchihas were practically celebrities. As close as they came anyway, in the ninja world. The two neo-sannin had surpassed their predecessors in not only skill but reputation, and they were widely known as two of the most powerful people in not only Konoha, but more than likely the entire world — their skills paralleled only by the third member of the trio, the sixth Hokage himself — Uzumaki Naruto.

She had been blessed with the luck of her daughter being the one selected to be a partner to the young Uchiha Sayoko. And invited to the Uchiha Complex to work on it, no less! "Make sure you are on your best behavior." The mother said sternly to her daughter as they walked down the street towards their destination hand-in-hand. Her daughter nodded again. "Make sure to thank them very politely for having you over. And make sure that you remember absolutely everything about them and their house, so you can report it back to me, understood?"

It wasn't every day that one got a glimpse at the lifestyle of the famous and fabulous, after all.

When she dropped her daughter off at the front door to the main building of the Complex, she was greeted by a cheerful looking Uchiha Sakura, who was wearing an apron, her hair tied back, and had a bit of rice stuck to the corner of her upper lip. She smiled a kind, welcoming smile and ushered the child in with gentle hands. "You must be Miyagawa-san." She said. Well, she seemed like a perfectly normal house wife. You wouldn't have guessed that she was a famous kunoichi by the looks of her! So this was Uchiha Sakura up close. She did have a bit of an impressive, if not intimidating aura — but not a bad one. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Same." Mrs. Miyagawa said, giving her a shy smile in return, while trying not to make it obvious that she was scrutinizing what she could see of the inside of the house. Neat, orderly, and well furbished — but nothing very much out of the ordinary. She was almost disappointed.

"I think Sayoko is in the living room waiting for you." Sakura said, directing her gaze at the younger girl who was half-hidden behind her mother, looking up at Sakura with wide, curious eyes. "Why don't you come in and go see her?" She nodded and first slipped off her open-toed sandals before entering into the Uchiha household, making an overly thorough effort to follow her mothers orders by examining everything in the hallway and converting it to memory. She listened a moment to the murmurs of her mother and Mrs. Uchiha speaking, confirming that she would be picked up at the right time, before entering into the living room and spotting Sayoko on the couch reading a book.

Miyagawa Keiko was perfectly content to sit back and occasionally give her opinion as Sayoko did most of the work, and Uchiha Sayoko was perfectly content to ignore anything her partner said and do it her own way, which was surely the best way, in order to receive the best possible marks. It was a match made in heaven.

She sat next to the young Uchiha prodigy, who didn't so much as do her the courtesy of lifting her eyes from the pages of her book to acknowledge her presence. Uchiha Sayoko didn't really like anybody, but she didn't hate anybody, either. She looked at everyone else in the world with indifference. And that was fine with Keiko, so long as she didn't pull her hair, because Keiko could stand just about anything save for the pulling of her hair. Nothing bothered her more. She could hear Mrs. Uchiha humming in the kitchen as she worked. "So, who do you want to do the project on?" Keiko asked.

"Dunno." Sayoko replied monotonously. She flipped the page of her book and said nothing more.

"I was thinking maybe we could do it on Rokudaime Hokage-samma." Keiko suggested.

"Uncle Naruto? Sure." She replied, shutting her book and setting it off to the side before pulling out a blank scroll and a pencil. She started writing. And wordlessly, she kept writing. Keiko peered over her shoulder and admired her calligraphy, reading over the facts that she had already written about the Hokage (all of which were uncannily accurate,) before growing bored and studying the room. It wasn't much different than any of the other living rooms that she had been in, with the exception of a few more ninja scrolls stacked next to a shelf of medical textbooks. "You can watch TV, if you want." Sayoko said, passing her the remote.

This was the easiest homework that she had ever been given, Keiko decided. She got to sit and watched television while Sayoko scribbled away, and get a good grade, too, because everyone knew that Sayoko was the smartest girl in the class. She was in a fairly good mood, and thought that things were going quite well, up until Uchiha Sasuke got home.

She listened to the sound of a door opening, shutting, and boots being removed from his feet. She looked over her shoulder briefly to see him enter before turning her attention back to the television show.

Mrs. Uchiha stormed out of the kitchen, stomping her feet in the way that Keiko did when she was sent to her room for being bad, and pointed a finger at Mr. Uchiha. "YOU BASTARD!" She shrieked. Keiko jumped, startled, and looked to Sayoko, who was completely unaffected and hadn't even looked away from her work, before watching the scene unfold in front of her. She had heard that word before, but her mother always clamped her hands over her ears immediately afterwards. She wasn't quite sure what it meant, but she was pretty certain it wasn't very nice. "Where the hell have you been? Look at you! You're a mess! All covered in blood..." She was pretty sure that hell was the place you went to when you died if you were bad, and didn't understand how it fit into that context.

"Mission ended late." He muttered, brushing aside her hostility and wandering deeper into the confines of his house. He looked uninterestedly at Keiko, and than at Sayoko. "Oh. Since when has Sayoko had friends?" He asked his wife.

"They're working on a school project." Sakura replied, putting her hands on her hips and shifting her weigh to the other side. "And it's not her fault that she picked up your anti-social prickly personality. But that's beside the point! Bah, mission ended late, did it? Don't give me that SHIT!" Keiko jumped again. She had heard that word once when Shikamaru-sensei stubbed his toe on the desk. She wasn't quire sure what it meant, either. "Kakashi dropped by _hours_ ago! And he was perfectly fine! You were sparring with Naruto again, weren't you? You were too! How many times do I have to tell you guys to take it easy? Because _I'm_ the one who has to heal all your injuries! Do you think I feel like doing all that work? It's exhausting, Sasuke!"

"Maybe I'll find a less inadequate medic to heal me, then." He replied coolly, expression unwavering as her face contorted into a look of fury and her face went red enough to put her hair to shame. Keiko was fairly sure by now that they were indeed in the middle of a fight, and she looked desperately to Sayoko to be saved. But Sayoko seemed almost as if she hadn't noticed her parent's raised, enraged voices. She just continued scrawling words across the parchment, muttering things about the Hokage's life story to herself and occasionally erasing when she could think of a bigger, more intelligent sounding word to use in another's stead.

"Oh, inadequate, am I? INADEQUATE?" Sakura grabbed Sasuke by the collar of his shirt and dragged him down to eye level, so close that their noses were almost touching. He smirked in the most belittling way that he could manage, and her temper bubbled over the top. "I'LL SHOW YOU INADEQUATE!" His smirk evolved into a grin, and he slid his hand down her backside and gave it a good squeeze. Keiko recoiled in disgust. She didn't understand why anyone would want to _touch_ another person's butt, let alone _squeeze_ it!

Keiko cowered, shifting closer over towards Sayoko, who _still_ hadn't torn her eyes from the page. "Uh... Um, Sayoko-chan...?"

"Don't worry." She said. "They're like that all the time."

She found this quite difficult to believe when she slapped him so hard across the face that blood splattered against the wall, and he did nothing but laugh. "ASSHOLE!" She bellowed indignantly. Keiko knew that this was a rude word for ones posterior, and a hole was a hole, so she was referring to him as an anus..? That was an interesting insult. She would have to remember it for the next time someone pulled her hair.

And suddenly they were a blur and a flurry of flying limbs as they streaked back and forth across the room with a speed impossible to follow with the naked eye. Keiko yelped as they whizzed past her and crashed into the wall, sending the medical textbooks tumbling with a loud clatter onto the floor. Sakura drew back a fist and threw it at his face, but he ducked out of the way. The wall splintered. Quite literally. Keiko screamed.

Uchiha Sasuke stood frozen and horrified, his mouth agape. Of course, anyone, even the notorious Sharingan wielder, would be disconcerted when such a powerful blow was aimed at -- "You busted my wall!" On second thought, it seemed as though he really didn't care that she had just _attempted murder_! He was quite clearly very attached to his walls, Uchiha Sasuke was — so in retaliation he picked up the love seat as if it weighed nothing more than a small rock and chucked it at her. She rolled out of the way and it buckled under the force of the throw and the wall, folding quite nearly in half.

Sakura squawked angrily. "You're fixing that!" She said, pointing to the disfigured furniture.

"You're fixing the wall!"

At long last, Sayoko looked up. "Mom, Dad, could you keep it down a little? Trying to work here."

My... God! Keiko thought. This house was full of lunatics!

She wasn't quite sure when or how Mr. Uchiha had gotten behind Mrs. Uchiha, but he reached around in front of her and clutched her chest with both hands firmly, evoking a squeak. This struck her as impolite, because Keiko's mother had explained to her quite clearly that those were a womans special assets that set them apart from men, and they were private property that should not be touched by anyone else. "Yeah, come on, Mom. Keep it down..." He purred in her ear.

In the blink of the eye he was flat on the ground and she was straddling him, wrapping her dainty fingers around his neck and cutting off his air supply. She occasionally bashed his head against the floor, and he occasionally gagged. "Better. Thanks." Sayoko called. She squinted at the paper and hovered over it indecisively with her eraser. "Yeah, yeah, he does like eggs in his ramen... That's right..."

"T-they're going to kill each other!" Keiko exclaimed, exasperated, so rigid with fear that she was hardly able to move. She stared at Sayoko imploringly, but Sayoko just shrugged her shoulders and stuck the back of her pencil in her mouth, chewing and thinking.

"They haven't managed to yet." She said.

Somehow, in the short period of time that Keiko had looked away, the two had managed to pull themselves upright and were now stumbling out of sight, throttling each other as they went along. They disappeared but she could still hear the bumps and bangs and yells. Not being able to see what was going on was even worse. She stared the direction anxiously, biting her nails as she tried to calm her nervousness. She prayed that Sayoko was right and they really _wouldn't_ kill each other.

And suddenly there was an ear piercing scream, and when she realized that it had come from Mr. Uchiha, Keiko was thoroughly mortified. "Fuck!" She had never heard _that one_ before. "Oh god! OH GOD! PLEASE! AH!"

"That's right..." Mrs. Uchiha said in a low, husky voice. "You're my bitch." She had heard that word when she went to visit the Inuzuka breeders. She was pretty sure it was a type of dog. "Say it. Say it."

"Oh god! I'm your bitch! OH! AH!"

And into sight they came again, tangled up in each other, attached at the face. She had seen a man and a woman do something similar in the movies she watched with her parents, but Keiko's mother had always covered her eyes as soon as it showed that scene. But it didn't really look as if they were kissing. More like they were... attacking each other with their mouths. Their lips separated with a loud, wet smacking sound, and Sakura pulled her face away, exposing her cheek to her husband who planted his mouth on it and bit, leaving red, teeth-shaped marks. "Sayoko! I think it's time that you and your friend go to the park."

Sayoko needed nothing more to be said than this, and packed up her stuff, holding it under her shoulder, and started off towards the doorway. "Come on." She called lazily to Keiko, who remained frozen on the couch. "We have to go to the park, now."

Keiko rose shyly and weaved around the chaos, careful to avoid the undefinable mesh of bodies that was Mrs and Mr. Uchiha as they maneuvered themselves back towards the bedroom. "What are they going to do?" Keiko whispered, slipping on her shoes hastily, eager to be free of the nut house that she was being held prisoner in. She wasn't quite sure if she wanted to know the answer or not. Just thinking about it was enough to send shivers down her spine.

"Dunno." Sayoko replied. "They never tell me."

When Mrs. Miyagawa came to collect her daughter, she was startled to see that she was stiff as a board, white as a ghost, and as silent as death. Mrs. Uchiha came to greet her, once again, but this time Mr. Uchiha was at her side, as close to smiling politely as he was ever going to be, (which was an almost-scowl,) and arm wrapped possessively, but gently around her waist. Ah, young love. They were the perfect looking couple, these two, with their perfect little daughter and clean, well kept personages and house. Like a television family. "It was a pleasure to have your daughter. They worked quite hard!" Mrs. Uchiha said. "Come again, dear."

Keiko walked out the door and sped away as if the devil were at her heels. Mrs. Miyagawa gave them a polite farewell and chased after her, stepping into stride with her unusually speedy daughter. Once Keiko was satisfied that they were far enough away from the house, she yelled, "I am never going back there again! Ever, ever, ever! You can't make me!"

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" Mrs. Miyagawa asked disappointedly. "Didn't you get along well with Sayoko-chan? Did she pull your hair?" Keiko shook her head. "Was there a problem with her parents, then? But they seemed so nice and normal."

"THEY WERE TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER!" She cried. "She blew up the wall! _With her fist!_ And then he threw the couch at her, and Sayoko just kept doing the homework and never saying anything! Except she asked them to be quiet, once! And he kept touching her no-no's, so she started to choke him, and then they disappeared and they were screaming and yelling and then they came back and they were trying to eat each others faces! And then they told Sayoko and I that we had to go to the park, but they wouldn't tell us why, and we couldn't come back for _four hours_!"

Mrs. Miyagawa, horrified at her daughters fluent spurt of lies, grabbed a fistful of her daughter's hair and gave it a sharp yank in reprimand. "Keiko! What have I told you about making up stories?"

"Ow! Ow! My hair! Stop pulling it, you asshole!"

Mrs. Miyagawa gasped.

"...Where did you learn that word?"

**W **h a t **H **a p p e n s **I **n **T **h e **U **c h i h a **H **o u s e h o l d

**S **t a y s **I **n **T **h e **U **c h i h a **H **o u s e h o l d

So that is officially the shortest one shot that I have ever written. Usually they average between seven thousand and nine thousand words. So this is kind of drabblish... I never intended it to be that long, anyway.

Normally, I hate OC's. Loathe them. With a flaming passion. But they were needed to make this story work, so I hope you don't mind.

LAWL. XD this cracked me up. I hope that at least somebody else finds it funny! I was going for humor.


End file.
